It's Just Fanfiction, Come On!
by The Green Feeling Anon Contest
Summary: Leah is her usual cranky self, pissed off that all the wolf pack is getting some. Jasper helps Edward relieve some premarital pressure. Crackfic in the worst way.


**The Green Feeling Anon Contest  
****Story Title: **It's Just Fanfiction, Come On!  
**Summary:** Leah is her usual cranky self, pissed off that all the wolf pack is getting some. Jasper helps Edward relieve some premarital pressure. Crackfic in the worst way.  
**Word Count:** approx 1800  
**Disclaimer: **All characters & their likenesses belong to Stephenie Meyer. We were just making fun of the quirks in the fandom and the stuff that seems incredibly depressing sometimes, please don't hang us for this. It's all in good fun and we love you all and all your porn. We just want you to laugh with us. And yes, there is a lot of plot-less porn in this fandom, we all have to admit it.

**LeahPOV**

It was a warm summer day, and I was out running with the rest of the wolf pack. There was no clear threat of vampires invading our land, but we continued the patrol long after the battle was over. We met up at least once a day to inspect the perimeter. It was our way of making sure the land and our people were still safe from the blood suckers.

I was running East along the perimeter, surveying my area when my mind was invaded by the thoughts from the guys. The whole mind reading ability was often more of a pain in my ass than a useful tool. What girl constantly wanted to hear the perverted thoughts of guys? I know I didn't.

_I can't believe Emily actually let me put my dick in there last night. I never thought she would go for it._

_Kim is gonna get it when I get back. She's been holding out for too long, and my dick is aching._

I attempted to shake my head and clear my mind. Trying to think of anything other than what the pervs were thinking of doing to their girlfriends.

Part of my anger stemmed from the fact that everyone had a partner but me. I felt like everyone in the pack had imprinted, or they were at least dating someone. Here I was, the lonely wolf girl that couldn't find a decent guy to save my life. I still had feelings for Jake, and even though Bella was engaged to Edward, Jake still hadn't given up hope that she would change her mind.

_Bella's boobs looked so soft and plump in that shirt she had on the other day. I just wanted to walk up to her and lick them. If it wasn't for the filthy blood sucker, I could have her. _

Those thoughts were the ones that were really driving me crazy.

No matter how fast or far I ran, I couldn't get away from their thoughts. If I didn't have such a strong respect for the Quileute tribe, I would have shifted back in to human mode and abandoned my patrol duty.

The most disturbing thoughts came from Quil. I know that Claire was his life mate and they were made for each other and all that crap, but when he thought dirty thoughts of her, I wanted to vomit.

_I can't wait until Claire matures so I can see her naked and she can suck my dick. I can teach her exactly how I like it._

Quil's nasty thoughts about his prepubescent love girl were going to make me kill him. I had to get the hell out of there and quick. The majority of my area was clear. I had to get away while I still had some sanity left.

I turned towards the Sol-Duk river and ran as fast I possibly could. I took all of my anger out on the land beneath my paws. I ran with all of the strength I had left in my body.

For some reason, I could still hear their perverted thoughts. How long was I going to have to go to get away from them?

_Where did Leah go?_ Embry asked.

_I don't know. She should have been back by now._ Sam responded.

After that, I couldn't hear anything else. I was finally far enough away where they couldn't hear me, and I couldn't hear them. Finally, peace.

I slowed down, and actually began to enjoy my run. It felt good to get away and not have anyone trying to read my mind.

A short while later, I had finally arrived at the river. I shifted back into human mode, and put my clothes back on. There was no need to wear clothes in wolf form, but I refused to be like the guys and walk around in my undies.

Once I was dressed, I walked down the river. I was enjoying the the flow of the river and quiet in nature. I skipped a few pebbles along the water.

Being alone by the river made me realize how jealous I was that everyone had someone but me. It made me see how truly alone I was.

I bent down to pick up a couple more pebbles when I heard what sounded like moaning. I had no idea who or what could have been out there making those sounds. I slowly walked a bit farther, making sure to survey everything around me. Just as I rounded a huge tree, I saw something that made me stop dead in my tracks.

"Fucking Vampires!" I shouted extremely loud before I could even think about what I was saying.

* * *

**EPOV**

Bella's job at Newton's Olympic Outfitters was coming to a close. I couldn't wait until I could take Bella for the first time and she's never have to work under the pervy eye of Mike Newton ever again.

She came out, discarding her smock that was so unflattering on her.

"Only two more weeks," she said, getting into my silver, shiny Volvo. "And I don't have to take Mike second-hand remarks about you, my love."

"I'm so happy," I said, taking her into my marble-hard, ice-cold arms. "We'll be married and together forever... Erm, unless you still want to be a vampire and all that."

"Of course I do! The Volturi are going to come to Forks one day and make sure of it! It would make a much better plot for the fourth book instead of me being pregnant!"

I stared at Bella for a moment at that comment. "Umm," we both said. "Never mind."

I put the Volvo into reverse and backed out of the parking lot.

At Carlisle and Esme's house the curtains were drawn to Alice's room. We both knew it was a bad sign. Alice came dancing down the stairs with an armful of Barbies. "Hi! Hi, Bella! Guess what, I got possible wedding dresses for you made in Barbie size since we have an endless amount of money!" she sang out with her soprano.

"Oh no, don't lavish me with attention and give me a beautiful wedding!" Bella sobbed.

"Bella," I said. "You're so special and beautiful and wonderful, I don't see why you don't like this kind of treatment."

"I'm not like other girls!" Bella whined.

"Of course you're not, Ste- Bella," I said.

"Come on, Bella," Alice said. "My room. I'll show you wedding centerpieces and flower arrangements."

Jasper came downstairs with those feel-good vibrations and Bella calmed down. "Suuure, let's plan a million-dollar wedding in two weeks," Bella said. "Stuff that normally takes months to plan, we can do it." She walked up the stairs with Alice.

"Maybe we should get her drunk," Emmett commented, appearing from out of nowhere.

And corrupt my beloved's virtue? "Forget it, Emmett!" I cried.

"She'd get drunk with the pup," Emmett offered. "And getting drunk, she'd probably do it doggy-style with him."

"Thanks for the reassurance," I snarled. "Retard," I muttered.

The idea of Bella doing such heinous acts with that mutt made me angry- so much so that I felt my blood lust take over. My eyes must have been black. Jasper gave me that special pervy look and I knew what he needed. "Yeah, we need to go hunting," Jasper said.

"Alright! I'm all in," Emmett said.

"No, Emmett, just us. You stay here and keep Rosalie's special powers of bitchiness under control while Bella's here," Jasper said.

"Why do I have to deal with her?" he muttered.

"Because you're the dumb fuck that married her," Jasper said. "You didn't have any other reason."

"Can't a man make one mistake?"

"No, you're a vampire."

Jasper and I took off running down the river to make it to the wolf preserve. I loved wolf more than mountain lion lately.

Once we were out of sight from the Cullen Manor, Jasper turned to me. I could read all his sexy thoughts. "You really want to do that with me?" I asked.

"Sure," he said, his lips nearing mine. "Haven't you read fanfiction?"

"What the hell is fanfiction?" I asked.

"Let me show you." The flat of his hand slipped over my budding erection. "Mmm, you're rock-hard, Edward."

I groaned and he unzipped my pants, releasing my cock from it's tweed prison. "Mmm, a parka," he said before taking it into his mouth. He knew damn good and well that I was uncircumcised. I loved it when he took me into deep and played with my balls.

"Drink it all up, bitch," I said, rocking my hips into his mouth. He was still projecting images at me of what he wanted to do. And they were quite exciting as I came into his mouth.

He swallowed up all my venomous sperm as it shot out in bullet-like squirts that would have damaged any human woman's lady parts during coitus. "Mmm- mmm! Delicious!" He licked my cock a few more times to get all the spunk off. "Good thing I'm a vampire, too, right? I mean, since all the fluids in our bodies are venom, it stands to reason you might change Bella if you have unprotected sex with her."

"That would never happen, Carlisle would'a told me about it. Carlisle can do genetic tests on the wolf pack without them even knowing, but he's never checked to see if we have viable sperm."

Jasper looked into my eyes and I into his.

Nah, Carlisle couldn't really be that stupid. He was a brilliant 400-year-old vampire with an aversion to blood from England.

He stood up and I tore his shirt open and started licking and sucking his vampire nipples. My cock was instantly hard again, because, y'know, I can do that because I'm a vampire and don't need Viagra.

Before I knew it, Jasper and I were completely naked. I got down on the mud on my hands and knees and felt Jasper's hand, slick with venom spit, lubricating my anus. He held my cheeks apart and right as he entered me, the sun came out and shone our brilliant, diamond-like skin sparkled.

And it was at that second, we heard something I should have heard coming a mile away. I was too enamoured with Jasper to realize it at the time.

"FUCKING VAMPIRES!!!"

I looked over to see Leah Clearwater, her face twisted with rage, across the river, watching us. Pervert.

I listened to her jumble of thoughts. _I thought he was in love with Bella- wait'll Jake finds out!_

"Fine," I said, shoving Jasper off me. He was frozen like a statue with an erection. "Make fun of our love!" She turned and ran back towards the woods with the intentions to go back into Wolf Form. "Geez," I said. "Where's our thousand reviews for plot-less porn?"

"Maybe we should have brought Bella along for a threesome," Jasper said, shrugging.

THE END


End file.
